How To Fail A University Midterm

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Mid-October stress getting you down? We can all relate – it happens to the very best of us. Luckily, you’re not in this alone. Do you feel irrevocably unprepared for the paper you’re about to write? Well, fear no more – I have come to your rescue with a new and exciting list of ways destined to ensure that you fail your Midterm… and have a great time while doing it.

1. Don’t study. It’s that simple. Crack open your Netflix account and re-watch some Gossip Girl, Scandal, or Arrested Development… whatever tickles your fancy. It’s relaxing.

2. If you’re in a written exam, answer every question with a mathematical equation. If you’re in an economics exam, answer every question in essay format. That’s sure to get your professors wondering how in the world you got into this distinguished institution.

3. Get flowers, pizza, and other lavish delicacies delivered TO YOU to your exam room every fifteen minutes. Show yourself a little love. You may get thrown out of the room before you have a chance to crack open that pizza box, but at least you’ve got a steady way of dealing with your hunger.

4. Bring an entire box of things to throw at your professor when they are not looking. Blame it on the smartest kid in the class.

5. Eat your paper. If they give you a new one, tell them you lost it. Repeat every 15 minutes.

6. Come into the room with a black cloak and white half-mask. Tell everyone you’re the Phantom of the Opera, sing the entire musical score, and refuse to stop until you are escorted out by one of your TAs.

7. Turn your exam into a gossip column. Your first topic? “100 Reasons Why *Name of Professor* Sucks.”

8. Throw a luau. In the middle of the period.

9. Take some permanent markers/cardboard slips of paper and rearrange all the room numbers in the building. Ensure that the room number you are designated to write your exam in is plastered right over the line to the nearest Tim Hortons. Grab some kettle chips and hit the road.

10. Bring cheerleaders. Pretend you’re Logan Reese in that episode of Zoey 101.

….Okay, so maybe that’s not the best way of dealing with pre-examination stress. However, it’s important to remember that everyone is in the same boat as you. It’s important to take your own mental health into regard during these incredibly stressful times; be sure to take some time for yourself! Don’t be down on yourself for wanting to watch one episode of your favourite TV shows, eat a giant bowl of ice cream, or hang out and laugh with your friends. Take a deep breath, relax a little bit, and don’t stress yourself out too much..

Believe in yourself – you’re going to rock it.

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