Tales of a Procrastinator by Alex Nelson

Sitting at my computer, once again casually “doing my readings for Anthro” (surfing Google for English lyrics of Gangnam Style), I looked at the time on my laptop: 3am again.  My daily goal has been to be in bed before 10pm, but I have yet to achieve this. Being in bed by 12 o’clock has even become a feat.

Glancing over at my agenda (it is starting to resemble my backyard after four long months of lawnmower inactivity- overgrown that is), I notice that I have my first blog post due the following day at midnight. Obviously I need sustenance if I am to be expected to complete the Herculean task ahead of me.

Rubbing my eyes and trudging sleepily into the kitchen, I open my crisper, only to find a single, shriveled lettuce leaf. It’s been a while since I hit Loblaws. Instead, I grab some frozen berries out of my freezer and sit back down at my desk.

What to write about, what to write about? – I ponder this as I subject my mouth to icy-cold strawberry torture. As I’m about to shut my computer and let possible blog topics ruminate overnight (there is plenty of time to write my article tomorrow, why am I stressing out now??), the perfect idea comes to me:

There is a vast difference between procrastinating, and procrastinating effectively. It is an art to be honed over one’s scholastic career: one that I have down to a science.

As a master procrastinator, it is my moral and ethical obligation to share my skill with others who are fresh to the art. So, I have compacted my extensive knowledge base into a few handy tips and tricks for beginners, in managing procrastination:

  1. One hour is not enough time to write a 15-page essay. Never. Not even if you’re the next Shakespeare, and you sneak the font to 12.5.
  2. If you have a big project due later in a term, write down the due date as being a week earlier than it actually is. That way, you have a decent time-cushion to get your project done (it may just mean a few late nights at Weldon)
  3. Practice selective procrastination. Unfortunately, not everything can be put off, and although biting the bullet is painful at first for a procrastinator, it is worth it in the long run!
  4. Do not fear deadlines! Odd as this may sound, inspiration comes much more quickly when a deadline comes a little bit TOO close for comfort.  Much like wild animals, deadlines will attack if cornered, but for the most part, they are just as afraid of you as you are of them.
  5. Always overestimate the amount of time it will take you to complete a task, so you can paradoxically be the person who both procrastinates AND finishes early!
  6. You can only procrastinate washing your dishes for so long. You know you’ve reached that point when you’re serving food to your friends off Ziploc-container lids instead of the plates in the bottom of your sink.

-And Lastly-

  1. Do not let opportunities pass you by! The best procrastinators are effective time-managers too.

As I have completed my task, and can rest easily knowing that my post will potentially enlighten other would-be procrastinators, I’m about to close my computer. Looking at the clock again has brought to my attention to the fact that it is well past my bedtime. I then glance over to my window. In doing so I notice dawn is poking its nosy head in my room under my curtains. I need to go to bed earlier. I’ll work on it… (tomorrow).

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